Broken News

Government spokesman Keheliya Rambukwella responded today to UN Humanitarian Affairs Chief John Holmes’ concerns about the safety of humanitarian workers by alleging that Mr. Holmes’ comments were part of a vast international conspiracy against the Mahinda Rajapakse administration. “We have suspected for a while that the world was out to get us - how else do you explain the rise in oil prices, the 2004 tsunami and Vietnam’s increasing competitiveness in the garment export business?”, asked Mr. Rambukwella at a press conference.

Mr. Rambukwella went on to attack Mr. Holmes’ specific comments stating, “There is absolutely no truth in the suggestion that humanitarian workers are not safe in Sri Lanka. We categorically reject such an assertion and we will shoot the next person who says such a thing”.

Cities throughout Sri Lanka overflowed with patriotic joy this weekend in response to the government’s capture of Thoppigala and thus its total liberation of the Eastern Province from terrorists. Trishaw driver K. A. L. P. Kamaladasa commented euphorically, ‘Now our brothers and sisters in the East can live their lives without fear of terrorism and violence! Well, apart from encounters with the LTTE cadres that still move around the area … and of course the ongoing violence from the TMVP (both the Karuna and Piliyalan factions) … not to mention problems with rogue elements of the STF … and the newly resurgent EPDP. Hooray for peace!’

The government yesterday unveiled elaborate plans to celebrate the Thoppigala victory. Talking to the media, President Mahinda Rajapakse said, ‘We are going to have an victory ceremony on Thursday at Independence Square, which will itself be renamed Thoppigala Patch given that our recent victory is clearly the most significant victory that this nation has ever achieved. Our initial plan was that after demolishing Independence Square, we would landscape it to look like the Thoppigala scrub. However we then realised that we could actually fit all of Thoppigala onto the Independence Square site, so the plan is to airlift the land that we now control and ceremonially drop it on the Independence Square site as part of Thursday’s festivities’

[Ed: The BrokenNews team apologises for the lack of articles in the last month; we were grappling with the value of satire in a country so deeply mired in farce. Our struggle continues...]

President Mahinda Rajapakse briefed the media yesterday on one of the gravest problems facing the nation; the shortage of Rajapakse family members. President Rakapakse commented, ‘I only have 3 brothers and even if you were to take the rest of my family into account, we still don’t have enough people to fill the 100-plus ministerial posts in the government. With Gotabhaya running defence, Chamal running ports and aviation, myself running finance and Basil running the country, the four of us have our hands full - who is going to look into areas such as Women’s Affairs, Supplementary Crops Development and Sacred Area Development?”

President Rajapakse outlined some of the options that the government was looking at in order to mitigate the problem, including plans for Rajapakse family members to immediately embark on a breeding program with the goal of producing 100 new Rajapakses in the next 12 months. However in the short-term, President Rajapakse assured the nation that he would continue with the family appointments; announcing that his third-cousin Cuthbert would take over as the Minister for Foriegn Affairs and that his nine-year old niece Sushila would serve as the Minister for Industrial Development.

Air Marshall Sarath Punchihewa revealed more details of the government’s air defence strategy so as to reassure public fears about further LTTE air attacks. Speaking to reporters, Air Marshall Punchihewa said, ‘The public should be completely at ease; the finest minds in our military have worked on our defence plan. As you might know, our reaction to word of an LTTE air attack is to cut off all power across the island and then fire randomly into the air. We have no real intention of shooting down the LTTE planes, we just want to distract them to the point where they accidentally ram into a building and explode. You see, they only have five planes whereas we have dozens of high-rise buildings, so we are sure to prevail.’

Defence secretary Gotabhaya Rajapakse today countered news reports that his security detail had been involved in an incident of road-side harassment against Amrit Jayawardene, the grandson of former president JR Jayawardene. Mr. Rajapakse said today that on seeing the newspaper reports of the incident, he had sent a couple of his vehicles to Mr. Jayawardene’s house, and in discussions there Mr. Jayawardene had confirmed that there had been no untoward occurences and that in fact Mr. Rajapakse’s security detail were lovely chaps and Mr. Rajapakse was clearly the greatest defence secretary of all time. Mr. Jayawardene was not available to comment on Mr. Rajapakse’s claims as he is currently recuperating after accidentally brutally breaking his own kneecaps while watching TV.

[Ed: our thanks to Richard Curtis]

Investigations into last week’s attack by the LTTE on the Katunayake Air Force base have unearthed some new details about the operation. Sri Lanka Air Force (SLAF) sources indicate that in between the LTTE airplanes being noticed by army personnel in Vavuniya and the 12:45am attack on the airbase, the LTTE airplanes had landed at the Parliament Grounds in Kotte to ask for directions.

An SLAF spokesman said, ‘it appears as if the Tigers had gotten lost and so they landed on the Kotte grounds and asked some policemen for directions’. The policemen had not been suspicious of the LTTE airmen as the baby blue outfits have given the policemen the impression that the airmen were Indian cricket supporters.

The SLAF is also investigating reports that, before the bombing, the Tigers had landed at Bandaranaike International Airport, where they had rested, refuelled and purchased some chocolates from the duty free shop, before taking off and initiating their attack. Investigators are still unclear as to how they paid for their fuel and why they had not taken advantage of a special offer on Toblerone.

The world dictatorship rankings saw a lot of changes last week as the leaders of Zimbabwe, Pakistan and Sri Lanka intensified their bids to become the world’s top tyrant. Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe gained 32 points to move up to number three on the list after his orchestration of the assault on Zimbabwe’s opposition leader. President Musharraf’s suspension of Pakistan’s Supreme Court Chief Justice moved him up four places to number eight. Sri Lanka’s President Rajapakse continued his progress up the list; the arrest of prominent critics and the strengthening of the Sri Lankan police state provided a 14 point boost to his ratings, moving him up to number fourteen.

World number one Kim Il Jong of North Korea commented on the challenge being made on his position saying, ‘Mugabe doesn’t frighten me – he’s been playing this game for decades and he’s still only number three! Musharraf and Mahinda are more interesting because of their facial hair. Everyone knows that you can tell a good dictator by what they do with their hair; my hairstyle and Fidel’s beard are legendary. Mugabe’s mustache is a bit silly but both Musharraf and Mahinda have very twirlable mustaches and that’s a pretty strong statement of their intentions. I will be watching them closely’.

In a continued attempt to court popular support, the government announced today a further series of ministerial appointments with renowned actress Anarkalli Akarsha appointed Minister of Cleavage, aging cricketer Sanath Jayasuriya named Minister of Baldness and Gypsies frontman Sunil Perera named Minister of Sound.

The new round of appointments has come in for criticism from some sections of the government; Minister J.B. Siripala commented ‘Most of the new ministries overlap with existing ministries and this kind of redundant ministry is just a tragic waste of the public’s money. I’ve discussed this issue with my colleagues, the Minister of Public Administration, the Minister of Internal Administration, the Minister of Local Government and the Minister of Parliamentary Affairs, and they all agree with me.’

Minister Siripala also indicated that there has been particular interest in Ms. Akarsha’s appointment, ‘So far, the Minister of Cultural Affairs, the Minister of Women’s Affairs and the Minister of Youth Affairs have all expressed interesting in handling Ms. Akarsha’s generous portfolio.’ Minister of Special Projects, Mahinda Wijesekara, was even more forthright commenting, ‘There’s no need to give Anarkalli her own ministry; I’m going to make her my most special project.’

Shocked by the Committee on Public Enterprise (COPE) and Public Accounts Committee (PAC) reports exposing massive corruption and waste within State enterprises, the Sri Lankan government moved decisively to quell the problem and today abolished COPE and PAC. Government spokesman Kehelgediya Dharmapala commented, ‘Clearly the best way to combat corruption and waste was to abolish the existing investigative bodies and create an entirely new committee - chaired by established parliamentarians, of course – and have them do the investigation all over again’

Mr. Dharmapala suggested that this new culture of direct action would be used to tackle all the country’s problems, ‘People want an end to the fighting with the LTTE so we are going to wipe out the LTTE. Similarly, people are upset about the rising rate of inflation so we are going to abolish the Consumer Price Index (CPI). And if our Cricket team doesn’t win the World Cup this year… we’ll have to see what we can do about that’

The Sri Lankan government announced today the establishment of a new government-owned airline - ‘Mihin Air’ - to complement the new airport being built in the south of the country. Reports indicate that the name ‘Mihin Air’ was selected after the alternative name - ‘All Hail Mahinda, May He Rule For A Thousand Years’ - was deemed too long for inclusion in company stationery.

Responding to concerns about the financial viability of a second national airline, a government spokesman emphasised that Mihin Air will offer the Sri Lankan people the same qualities and values embodied by their President. Industry experts are however divided over the extent of demand for high-cost, high visibility flights that have absolutely no idea where they’re going.