Broken News

The world dictatorship rankings saw a lot of changes last week as the leaders of Zimbabwe, Pakistan and Sri Lanka intensified their bids to become the world’s top tyrant. Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe gained 32 points to move up to number three on the list after his orchestration of the assault on Zimbabwe’s opposition leader. President Musharraf’s suspension of Pakistan’s Supreme Court Chief Justice moved him up four places to number eight. Sri Lanka’s President Rajapakse continued his progress up the list; the arrest of prominent critics and the strengthening of the Sri Lankan police state provided a 14 point boost to his ratings, moving him up to number fourteen.

World number one Kim Il Jong of North Korea commented on the challenge being made on his position saying, ‘Mugabe doesn’t frighten me – he’s been playing this game for decades and he’s still only number three! Musharraf and Mahinda are more interesting because of their facial hair. Everyone knows that you can tell a good dictator by what they do with their hair; my hairstyle and Fidel’s beard are legendary. Mugabe’s mustache is a bit silly but both Musharraf and Mahinda have very twirlable mustaches and that’s a pretty strong statement of their intentions. I will be watching them closely’.

Sri Lanka’s 54-person delegation to the recent United Nations General Assembly in New York dominated proceedings through sheer weight of numbers. Speaking at a press conference, U.S President George W. Bush said, ‘We were very impressed with the number of people who attended - clearly this Sri Lanka place had a lot to talk to about. Thakshin [Sinawatra, Prime Minister of Thailand] wanted to discuss the coup in Bangkok but he only had four people with him so he couldn’t have been that serious; I told him to send me an e-mail’.

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan commented, ‘The summit was extremely productive; I spent a lot of my time talking with President Mahinda Rajapakse about Sri Lanka’s security problems, the Chinese delegation had a series of meetings with Ambassador Prasad Kariyawasam to discuss investment opportunities and I believe President George W. Bush spent most of his time with some Sri Lankan lady discussing the difficulties her son was having with the SAT exam’.

Italian forward Simone Perrotta had an uneventful world cup final, not figuring in any events of note before being substituted late in the second half. Speaking to reporters Perrotta said ‘my best chance of making a contribution came when [French footballer] Ribery stepped on my toe but the referee didn’t want to give us a penalty for that. I continued to try; there were at least five separate occasions where I fell to the ground clutching my face and writhing in agony but the officials didn’t seem to be paying any attention’.

Perrotta continued, ‘I even tried to draw a violent reaction from the French players in the same way that Materassi did with Zidane later in the game; Marco [Materassi] was convinced that tweaking nipples was the way forward and he was right – I spent most of the first half pinching [French footballer] Henry’s bum but that got me nowhere’.