Broken News

President Mahinda Rajapakse briefed the media yesterday on one of the gravest problems facing the nation; the shortage of Rajapakse family members. President Rakapakse commented, ‘I only have 3 brothers and even if you were to take the rest of my family into account, we still don’t have enough people to fill the 100-plus ministerial posts in the government. With Gotabhaya running defence, Chamal running ports and aviation, myself running finance and Basil running the country, the four of us have our hands full - who is going to look into areas such as Women’s Affairs, Supplementary Crops Development and Sacred Area Development?”

President Rajapakse outlined some of the options that the government was looking at in order to mitigate the problem, including plans for Rajapakse family members to immediately embark on a breeding program with the goal of producing 100 new Rajapakses in the next 12 months. However in the short-term, President Rajapakse assured the nation that he would continue with the family appointments; announcing that his third-cousin Cuthbert would take over as the Minister for Foriegn Affairs and that his nine-year old niece Sushila would serve as the Minister for Industrial Development.

Air Marshall Sarath Punchihewa revealed more details of the government’s air defence strategy so as to reassure public fears about further LTTE air attacks. Speaking to reporters, Air Marshall Punchihewa said, ‘The public should be completely at ease; the finest minds in our military have worked on our defence plan. As you might know, our reaction to word of an LTTE air attack is to cut off all power across the island and then fire randomly into the air. We have no real intention of shooting down the LTTE planes, we just want to distract them to the point where they accidentally ram into a building and explode. You see, they only have five planes whereas we have dozens of high-rise buildings, so we are sure to prevail.’