Broken News

Aruni Rajapakse (center) was crowned Miss Sri Lanka for Miss Universe last night in a fairy-tale rise to success. Ms. Rajapakse had not intended to participate in the pageant but was drafted in at the last minute by organisers to satisfy a government edict that only a Rajapakse can represent Sri Lanka internationally. Sources indicate that Ms. Rajapakse’s victory came in spite of her refusal to grow a large bushy mustache for the event.

Political insiders have however warned that Ms. Rajapakse’s new-found fame may eventually work against her commenting, ‘While its great that a Rajapakse has been crowned queen, she shouldn’t forget that there is room for only one royal family in this country’.

In other news, Gladwyn Rajapakse, captain of the Hambantota Sports Club and third cousin of the President, has been selected for the Sri Lankan cricket team. Sri Lanka Cricket said today that Rajapakse’s searing off-spin and prodigous number eleven batting were just what the Sri Lankan team needed to win the World Cup. The newly capped player flies to the West Indies tomorrow and will be accompanied to the World Cup by his family, friends and the entire population of the Southern Province.

Defence secretary Gotabhaya Rajapakse today countered news reports that his security detail had been involved in an incident of road-side harassment against Amrit Jayawardene, the grandson of former president JR Jayawardene. Mr. Rajapakse said today that on seeing the newspaper reports of the incident, he had sent a couple of his vehicles to Mr. Jayawardene’s house, and in discussions there Mr. Jayawardene had confirmed that there had been no untoward occurences and that in fact Mr. Rajapakse’s security detail were lovely chaps and Mr. Rajapakse was clearly the greatest defence secretary of all time. Mr. Jayawardene was not available to comment on Mr. Rajapakse’s claims as he is currently recuperating after accidentally brutally breaking his own kneecaps while watching TV.

[Ed: our thanks to Richard Curtis]

Investigations into last week’s attack by the LTTE on the Katunayake Air Force base have unearthed some new details about the operation. Sri Lanka Air Force (SLAF) sources indicate that in between the LTTE airplanes being noticed by army personnel in Vavuniya and the 12:45am attack on the airbase, the LTTE airplanes had landed at the Parliament Grounds in Kotte to ask for directions.

An SLAF spokesman said, ‘it appears as if the Tigers had gotten lost and so they landed on the Kotte grounds and asked some policemen for directions’. The policemen had not been suspicious of the LTTE airmen as the baby blue outfits have given the policemen the impression that the airmen were Indian cricket supporters.

The SLAF is also investigating reports that, before the bombing, the Tigers had landed at Bandaranaike International Airport, where they had rested, refuelled and purchased some chocolates from the duty free shop, before taking off and initiating their attack. Investigators are still unclear as to how they paid for their fuel and why they had not taken advantage of a special offer on Toblerone.