Broken News

Newspaper reports of an alignment of stars favourable to the government of Sri Lanka had a profound effect on the LTTE yesterday. The Daily Mirror had earlier quoted a leading astrologer as saying ‘The same configuration of stars occurred on February 4, 1948, which as we all know was the day that we gained independence. In harmony with the re-occurrence of the same star change we can expect a good period for the country. This could be a phase that sees the control of terrorism and general re-establishment of law and order within Sri Lanka’s borders’. The news sent shockwaves through the LTTE and within hours, they surrendered.

In a press release, the LTTE explained their surrender stating ‘When it comes to battlefield success, our weapon stockpiles and the fanatical devotion of our cadres are irrelevant when compared with the influence exerted by the subtle movements of large balls of gas hundreds of millions of miles away (tracked by men without telescopes)’. However, the notice of surrender was withdrawn this morning after it was learned that the auspicious time for an LTTE surrender was sometime in the year 2014.