Broken News

LTTE spokesman Daya Master confirmed today that the terrorist organisation was abandoning its recent strategy of assassinating security personnel and would henceforth pick its targets at random. Mr. Master said, ‘We found that our tactic of targeting military officials very predictable and to be honest, we were getting a little bored of it. So to liven things up a bit, we thought we’d just pick our assassination targets at random’. Mr. Master declined to comment on who might be on the new list of targets saying, ‘Well, I can’t tell you who’s on our list because that’ll take away all the fun. Let’s just say that anyone who’s listed on pages 266 and 267 of the phonebook is not going to have a good year’.

Despite Mr. Master’s claims, sources inside the LTTE have indicated that a list of high-profile targets does still exist, but that the criteria for inclusion have been broadened. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the latest hit list may include leading Tamil peace advocate S. T. Pulithevan, Prabhakaran’s old chemistry teacher Mr. R. Sampanathan and TV sports personality Brian Thomas. Government spokesman Jayalath Kohonwella responded strongly to these reports saying, ‘We have heard rumours about these three gentlemen being targeted – let me be very clear; the government will not tolerate any attempt on the lives of Messrs Pulithevan and Sampanathan.’

As large crowds thronged Buddhist temples island-wide to view the phenomenon of Buddha statues emitting luminous rays of light, the United National Party (UNP) was quick to argue that it was no coincidence that the statues were glowing in green. A party spokesman said, ‘The fact that the Buddha statues are glowing in the colour of the UNP is an endorsement of our party’s policies and a clear indication that the Enlightened One is not pleased with the unholy alliance that is currently in power’.

The government responded to this statement immediately with a government spokesman saying, ‘The statues glowing green should not be interpreted politically – we have consulted a series of experts in glowing objects and their consensus is that the green colour is actually a call to Buddhists to become vegetarians. As we all know, the Buddha did not eat meat and so this current miracle must be meant as a reminder to us’.

Local environmentalists have claimed however that the green rays of light are likely to be a celestial declaration of support for environmental activism while officials at Sri Lanka Cricket have privately voiced concerns that the powers-that-be may be supporters of the South African cricket team.