Broken News

Last week’s strike by Ceylon Petroleum Corporation (CPC) trade unions was brought to a halt by the government agreeing to all the demands made by the unions. Presidential advisor Bharatha Premajayantha Lakshman said, ‘We had no choice – having just gone through a strike at the port and with rumours of an impending strike at the Ceylon Electricity Board, we needed to sort things out quickly and so we told the unions that we would give them anything that they wanted’. Reports indicate that the trade unions have produced a list of 72 demands including; the merger of CPC with Ceylon Petroleum Storage Terminals Limited (CPSTL), a 15% pay increase for all trade union workers and a request that CPSTL chairman Ashantha De Mel be ‘dressed up like a schoolgirl and publicly spanked’.

Mr. Lakshman pointed out that the government was now duty-bound to deliver on all the union demands even though some of them were quite unusual, ‘We have to go ahead with them all but to be honest. I don’t see what putting Baywatch back on TV has got to do with anything and the demand that President Mahinda Rajapakse should shave off his mustache and dye his hair red to match his shawl is just plain silly’.

Public sector trade union officials voiced their frustration today on the general public’s lack of response to the work-to-rule industrial action initiated last week. A trade union spokesman said, ‘We wanted to draw attention to our salary demands by initiating a work-to-rule policy in all government offices – so we’ve been working the shortest hours possible, burying all requests in bureaucratic red-tape and have been generally sullen and unhelpful to members of the public. We thought the resulting outcry would get us the desired attention but so far no one has said anything at all’.

The trade union spokesman responded to comments from reporters that perhaps the work-to-rule policies were little different from those adopted in normal times. ‘Well we have discussed taking more drastic action – such as not turning up to work at all. However we’re worried that the public may find that their lives actually improve when we do this…’

In a bid to foster local tourism, the Sri Lankan government announced today its intention to reduce the number of foreign tourists being brought into the country. Minister of Tourism Anura Bandaranaike said, ‘We found the tourism industry to be highly focused on foreign tourists, in much the same way that the local television industry was concentrating on showing foreign television programs. This had to be stopped. From August 1st, we plan to impose a tax on each foreign tourist - they will have to pay Rs. 7,500 for every half day that they spend in the country’.

Akalanka Patabendige, chairman of the Committee for Self Sufficiency in Tourism, which had proposed the levy, commented, ‘The hotel and travel industry is far too dependent on foreigners. Two and a half thousand years ago, there were no foreign tourists and we got by just fine. Why shouldn’t we promote our local people? They’re as entitled as anyone to buy cheap knick-knacks, visit a traditional massage parlour and lie on the beach getting a tan.’

Italian forward Simone Perrotta had an uneventful world cup final, not figuring in any events of note before being substituted late in the second half. Speaking to reporters Perrotta said ‘my best chance of making a contribution came when [French footballer] Ribery stepped on my toe but the referee didn’t want to give us a penalty for that. I continued to try; there were at least five separate occasions where I fell to the ground clutching my face and writhing in agony but the officials didn’t seem to be paying any attention’.

Perrotta continued, ‘I even tried to draw a violent reaction from the French players in the same way that Materassi did with Zidane later in the game; Marco [Materassi] was convinced that tweaking nipples was the way forward and he was right – I spent most of the first half pinching [French footballer] Henry’s bum but that got me nowhere’.

Inspired by last week’s apology from Sri Lanka’s Liberation Tamil Tigers of Eelam (LTTE) who apologized to the Indian government for assassinating former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi in 1992, terrorist organisations from around the world have come out with similar statements of contrition.

ETA spokesman Javier Pedrovar yesterday phoned Spanish King Juan Carlos Jobim and apologized for a 1983 attempt on the King’s life by a team of ETA activists. Peruvian rebel group Shining Path slipped a note under the door of Prime Minister Miguel Salvador saying ‘Sorry about attacking your convoy last month. Hope there are no hard feelings’. And the FBI confirmed yesterday that Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden had personally sent US President George W. Bush an e-card with the message ‘A thousand apologies for the sorrow brought upon your infidel people by our destruction of the World Trade Centre. My love to the wife and kids. Osama”

Discussing the impact that the apology may have on LTTE strategy, spokesman S.P. Thamilchelvam said ‘Well we’re not going to stop blowing up people but I think its important that people know that every time we murder a bunch of people, some of us feel really bad about it.’

Much to the relief of the Sri Lankan populace as well as foreign powers, the ceasefire between the Government of Sri Lanka and the LTTE signed in 2002 continues to hold.

Government spokesmen Jayalath Rambukwella visiting the site of an LTTE suicide attack in Pannipitiya said “The ceasefire is perhaps the key factor underlying economic development in this country and so I’m very pleased that it continues to hold”. LTTE spokesmen Daya Master concurred – speaking to journalists whilst coordinating a mortar attack on army positions, Mister Master said “The LTTE’s commitment to the ceasefire is unwavering – its clear to all that peace and stability are all we crave”. Chief of the Sri Lankan Monitoring Mission, Thor Olafssonsdunsenson, commended both sides on their restraint and discipline – speaking on an inspection tour of homes destroyed by the previous day’s air raids he said “I cannot express just how important the ceasefire has been to the people of this great nation – without it their lives would be as empty as… this bomb crater that I’m standing in”.

Government spokesman Jayalath Rambukwella said today that the government was shocked by the recent suicide bombings and that there was a dire need to strengthen security for important persons. As such, the government has ordered 34 more armoured limousines from the Mercedes-Benz corporation for immediate distribution to parliamentarians and their staff. The limousines come at a cost of Rs. 14 million each (without customs duty) and are installed with armour-plating, shatter-proof glass and a 28 inch plasma screen TV. Rambukwella said, ‘We must protect the key persons in our government – right now, I only have two of these limousines; if I have to go to work and my wife has to go on a trip, the maid has to buy vegetables in a completely unprotected vehicle. We must remedy this immediately’

Rambukwella said that key personnel in the armed forces should also be provided with more protection as they too were fairly important to the country. He said, “We are duty bound to protect the commanders of our armed forces, they deserve as much protection as anyone else - so we are installing side-impact airbags in most of their vehicles.”

United National Party (UNP) leader Ranil Wickremasinghe had a moment of clarity yesterday whilst talking to reporters at a press conference. Wickremasinghe was asked whether he took responsibility for the UNP’s recent electoral defeats to which he responded, ‘Well, its true that we’ve lost most of the elections that we’ve contested in the last decade but you have to realize that most of the time we were running against a government that had governed ineffectually, squandered or looted vast sums of money and was generally disliked by most of the public. So the fact that we couldn’t win is not the fault of the party leadership … hold on… oh crap, it actually is our fault, isn’t it?’

Mr. Wickremasinghe went on to address questions as to whether he would step down from the party leadership saying, ‘Well, I can’t step down because frankly, there’s no one else who can take over from me. It just so happens that over the last decade, we haven’t groomed any successors or built a party structure that can operate independently of me … oh bugger … that’s my fault too. I really suck at this leadership thing, don’t I?’